Gudang Starlounge

When was the last time you had a conversation about your love life with your partner? Time to speak us...

It kind of makes sense. Just take our childhoods. We now know the most effective way to talk with teens about sex is by having multiple conversations.

But most of us over 30 weren’t exactly encouraged to talk about sex freely when we were growing up. It was an uncomfortable topic.

Our parents taught us that, as we watched them squirm, when they struggled to confirm that, yes, Mummy and Daddy do have sex.

Now as adults, like in so many areas, we need to un-do what we learnt as a child. We need to change our mindset. Why? Because the best way to improve your love life, is by talking about it. Being open about our sexual preferences has shown, in survey after survey, that those women who do it have the most satisfying sex lives.

That’s not to say it is easy. Many couples find it harder to talk about sex the longer they’ve been together. Without realising it, they are protecting the security of the relationship as a whole.

Not only that, the comfort of feeling safe outside of the bedroom can very easily lead to playing it safe within it. This is fine for a while.

Really, it is. Mediocrity has its role in our sexual repertoire.

But for the long term, unless you learn to ask for what you want, boredom will switch off your desire completely.

Speaking out doesn’t mean morphing into Sex and The City’s, Samantha Jones. Like when she came up - from going down – and spurted out, “Could you shave or something? Blowing you is like getting my teeth flossed”. A perfect example of What Not To Do! The key to talking sex is to be positive. Of course you need to express your needs and desires, but it’s crucial that when you do, you don’t burst your partner’s bubble of sexual confidence. If that fades, his erections could follow suit. Instead of rushing into correcting his technique, give him feedback on what he’s doing right. Then you can slowly make specific requests for change.

Before you do any of this though, it’s important to have done your own homework. Knowing what pleasures you, is one of the biggest sexual gifts you can give to both yourself and your partner.

Because it’s with exactly this information that your partner can start touching you in the way that you like. Without it, the poor bloke is having to be a mind reader. And as far as erogenous zones go, that’s no easy task.

A great way for a couple to start getting used to asking for what they want, is to read each other erotic literature.

One book I often recommend is Nancy Friday’s collection of female fantasies, The Secret Garden. Just like in French lessons when we were forced to ask for that return ticket to Marseille, again, using your new sexual vocabulary will help you become more fluent.

Because with sex we too easily forget, practise makes perfect.










Roll up your sleeves.
Then decide who will be the Giver.
Next the Taker closes their eyes.
The Giver then touches the inside of the Taker’s forearm, testing out different strokes, pressures, and speeds.
The Accepter’s role is to rate how they’re being touched, according to a numbers system from 1-5. 5 being gooooooood and 1 meaning try again.
After 2 minutes, swap roles.

Using a numbers system allows the Acceptor to receive pleasure freely (an area of entitlement many women struggle with - both inside and outside of the bedroom). It also protects the Giver’s sexual confidence, as a low number score feels less of a personal criticism than a “no”.







When I took the proverbial hint, and asked them more generally about their sex lives…well, as usual, they wouldn’t shut up.

From the new vibrator called Stevie, to a recurring sex dream about Obama (lucky lady), you’d guess that they wouldn’t think twice about a bit of sex chat with their lover. But my friends are like so many others.

They struggle to talk candidly about sex with the one person who really matters – the man who’s sharing their bed.