Gudang Starlounge

The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions...
QUESTION: I can bring myself to a climax when I am alone, but I've never had an orgasm with my boyfriend or any previous lover. I am fed up of faking or saying: 'It doesn't matter.' What should I do?

ANSWER: It is one of life's great ironies that while there's no forum as intimate and revealing as the bedroom, it's also a place where we're given to falsehoods. I'm not just talking about faking orgasms or telling your man he's prodigiously endowed.

Lovers are understandably wary of denting each other's self-esteem and often talk up lacklustre sex in the hope that boosted confidence will lead to the earth moving next time. The problem with this approach is that if a couple (or just one side of the partnership) pretends everything's sizzling when it isn't, the problem can prove far harder to rectify - which is where you are.

So it's time for a little straight talking. Clearly, it is difficult to tell your boyfriend he hasn't rocked your world, but if he loves you he will be keen to learn the right buttons to push. And you can soothe his anxieties by reassuring him it's hardly unusual for women to experience difficulties in reaching a climax.



The female orgasm results from a complex mix of physical, emotional and mental stimuli. So expecting a man to know what turns you on without telling him is a bit like asking him to make your favourite cocktail without giving the poor chap a list of ingredients.

I remember one Andrew Davies TV drama for its ground-breaking sex scene: the male and female leads were filmed in stereotypical missionary position.

When he asked the woman if she'd had an orgasm, she replied 'Would you like me to?' and took his hand and guided it down her body. This was the first time I had seen a mainstream drama that blew apart the myth that men and women always climax at the same time, in the same way, in earth-shattering synchronicity.

Most women find that imaginative foreplay is key to stimulating their desire and it's possible that all your lovers have been a dead loss in this area - any man worth his salt is happy to receive a little erotic training.

But remember that sensual tastes vary widely - some people are electrified by a foot massage - there are no rights or wrongs; just what is right for you.

If you can reach a climax on your own, you must have some idea of your erotic triggers and how you like to be stimulated.

Give your boyfriend a masterclass in your erogenous zones.

I understand that you may feel mortified talking in such intimate detail, but it's far more mortifying never to have an orgasm. You don't want to end up like one woman I know, who was

spliced for 20 climax-free years. When she finally confessed to her spouse that she'd been faking her ecstasy, he had a breakdown.

He would have given anything for her to have confessed her problem in the early years of the relationship.

You may feel selfish grasping after your own pleasure, but it can be a kindness to your partner to afford him the chance of proper interaction. If you're worried about appearing demanding, I suggest you offer a quid pro quo. Ask him if you're neglecting any sensual areas or if you could improve your erotic technique. Make your conversation an exercise in sharing.

I also wonder if you feel inhibited about engaging with your private erotic fantasies while you're making love. A friend also found it hard to achieve an orgasm with her boyfriend; it transpired that she thought itwas 'disloyal' to think of anything but him while having sex.

I told her half of the women I know would never achieve the acme of pleasure unless they were thinking of George Clooney or whatever mental cinema screening triggers their libido.

One other thought, of course, is a vibrator. I know many men balk at this idea, but plenty are enthusiastic about the concept. And, yes, of course you must stop telling your boyfriend that your climax 'does not matter'. While it's important not to become goal-obsessed, we all like to put one in the back of the net on a regular basis.